This is not a poem :)

I wrote this last february and it’s not a poem, it’s a letter that i wrote for my bf who was also my ex. It was  written like a poem so it would look ok to read it.. harhar. Anyways, i wrote it before our 1st monthsarry but I did not give it to him because, i don’t feel like giving it or telling it to him.. hehe, but I guess he’ll be able to read it now. hehe ^_^

forgotten feeLings

it’s been a while since i last visited this blog. Now i remember how it feels to write again under these stressful situation and heart aching circumstances. It feels like forever, that i have forgotten about a lot of things. I have forgotten how to feel alive and be happy. i have forgotten how to enjoy and love with all of me. i have forgotten to be with my friends and the feeling of being with them. I have forgotten TO DO WHAT I LOVE MOST and to LOVE WHAT I DO. i have forgotten the feeling of having new friends and the joy of meeting strangers that will soon be my friends. i have forgotten that BEING WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE MAKES ME HAPPY AND ALIVE. i have forgotten that i Live because of them and i was able to Live my Life with happiness because they were with me.

I have forgotten a lot of things and didn’t realized that those were the days that i lived my life without forgetting how to smile , I’m having a hard time now remembering those things, feeling those feelings that i have forgotten. I’m having a hard time remembering happiness.

I don’t know when but i started not to care, I started being a hot-headed girl who only thinks of herself. I have forgotten to be selfless and i became selfish but I STILL KNOW WHO I AM, I guess that’s the only good part. I AM STILL ME no matter what happens.

They say people change for one good reason, Either you’ve learned a lot or you’ve been hurt too much, not in my case. I guess BOTH applies to me. I’ve learned and been hurt too much that it changed me and it gave me a lot of negativity that i can’t take anymore. I have forgotten the positivity of living and being alive. The good energy that surrounded me before is now gone, my pain and my experiences took it all away.. AND NOW……

These forgotten feelings make me feel dead,

that is why i’m giving up all of these negativity and I’M GIVING MYSELF A CHANCE. A chance to get back all the feelings and the time that i have forgotten to share.. I’m resting so i can take it back, again.

LIES and PRIORITIES

what would you do if you caught someone lying? Does lying means cheating? what if you have been fooLed or someone so important to you lied a lot of times and then you gave that someone another chance, and promised to be honest with you, but then he lied again. A small and simple lie yet it made a big impact, and IT HURTS.

It hurts because, the situation is so simple that you can’t find any reason why that someone would lie.

It made you feel stupid and being toyed because for once, you thought everything is ok and everything is getting better as your relationship gets longer. For once you thought, he loves you enough and he’s honest enough for you to trust him again. For once you thought that HE LISTENED, that HE CHOSE YOU over SOMETHING that seems so important to him.

For once, you thought that you’re NOT JUST A GF, but also his friend, his barkada, his younger sister, his bestfriend that he can trust and he can be most honest with. For once you thought and you felt that you’re on his top 5 priorities and then suddenly, YOU WERE WRONG.

Everything was just “WHAT I THOUGHT” and NONE of those thoughts were TRUE.

WHERE AM I?

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

NOW EVERYHTING MAKES SENSE..

I AM NOBODY..

I AM JUST SOMEONE who loves him. SOMEONE whom he can run to if he’s down SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS THERE FOR HIM.

NOTHING MORE. NOTHING LESS

I am not on his priorities, HIS FAMILY, HIS CAREER, MONEY, HIS BESTFRIEND, HIS OFFICEMATES, GAMES, HIS PHONE, HIS FRIENDS, ALCOHOL, CIGARETTE, GIMIKS.. everything is important to him. THOSE are HIS PRIORITIES..

so where am i . . . .?!?!

The fact that he lied just to have ALCOHOL OR GIMIKS and to be with HIS BESTFRIEND, means I AM NOTHING.

The fact that he didn’t come to our “supposedly bet and gimik” meant that I am NOT IMPORTANT.

I haven’t heard anything from him since yesterday.

Now, what should i do?

a broken dream. where is the old me?

I was onced, an ordinary girl with a simple dream. To be happy, was the only thing I wanted. Being with my friends and playmates gives me chill and brings out the best in me. I didn’t need anything, car? house? money? a world tour? I was completely contented, never did i wish to have more or things that I can’t buy or can’t afford. I am not materialistic, not with gadgets, shoes, clothes, bags and make-ups like any other girls, who will do anything to have a chanel or Louis Vuitton bags or any high-fashioned items. I didn’t need a lovelife, then. I don’t mind guys. They’re just not part of my priorities but they sure are part of my inspirations. I was able to write a lot of poems because they were part of my life . ^_^

Babies and children makes me happy, my nieces, nephews and cousins bring smile to my face. Nice views and nature makes my jaw dropped with an awe and makes me excited. Jokes make me laugh all the time. Now, I am nowhere to be found. I am lost. It’s not because I became materialistic, because I am still not and I’m proud of that. ^_^

 It’s just that there are unnecessary things that I want, and I am not finding any happiness in some things any more. Babies and nature still makes me happy but, I don’t know. Somehow, I changed. I used to laugh even with the corniest joke one could hear, but not now. Whenever I hear jokes that i don’t find funny, i’ll tell mysef  ” what the f***?!? ” what’s funny? because most of my officemates get pleasure from bullying someone. They laugh by mocking other people and they get excited by talking about sex. I guess, my standards when it comes to jokes level-up as i mature. haha..

I also don’t find any excitement talking about sex, because most of my officemates, get excited talking about it specially because our office is dominated by boys. Is sex talk really a part of conversations when you grow up and get older? it’s not that i’m not comfortable with it or I’m being hypocrite, It’s ok to talk about it, I also talk about those things with my friends but not everyday, it’s not part of my everyday life but because of the people around me, it became a part of my ear. This is one of the reasons why I don’t like getting older. Children and teens’ interests are a lot different from those young adults and adults.

And now, my love life is making me stressed, problematic and it gives me negative energy and also touring became one of my hobbies, my past time and that’s the reason why I’m always broke. I cannot stop my feet from going just anywhere. One of my dreams now, is to at least tour the Philippines, then Asia will follow then the world. I have high hopes and dreams now. I am even hoping that if ever that dreams come true I want “that someone” with me while I’m on my tour and while fulfilling that dreams of mine.

Do you think it’s good? Not for me, I miss my old self, I guess this is what old age means or aging means. It means CHANGE, and that’s why a lot of people are afraid to grow up and get older, they are afraid of change. I am not afraid of change. I am just not interested with some of the things grown ups like.

I just missed the days, when all i wanted was a piece of cake and not a whole of it.

 A candy and not a box of it. A cup of ice cream and not a gallon of it.

And when all i wanted was to eat everything with everyone.

I missed laughing, getting excited just because of a simple and cute eraser.

I just missed having joy from simple things.

:)

yes, you have a choice!

do we reaLLy a choice? yes we do..

 it makes me mad whenever i hear someone bLaming others for having a miserabLe Life. it just doesn’t make any sense!

 i woke up 5 days ago hearing my 2 sisters and my mother fighting,

what can i do? my famiLy is a perfect exampLe of an imperfect famiLy.

 since my father died, we Lost our discipLinarian and my mother is reaLLy not good at it. i swear!

 our father was strict, he onLy aLLowed me to have a bf when i graduated from coLLege and got a job and because he’s not here anymore, our youngest who is onLy 16yrs oLd and in first yr coLLege is abusing her freedom.

she aLways go out and often stays in his bf’s house. she’s reaLLy cLose with her bf’s famiLy and they often ask her to stay in their house, her bf’s father even toLd her that he couLd be her father since she doesn’t have a father

 it was ok for us and we find it sweet for him to say that but my oLder sister and my mother think that our youngest is abusing us because we’re not strict and we aLLow her most of the time to stay there. and just 5days ago, again! my sister was with her bf and asked if she couLd stay there but my mom didn’t aLLow her and toLd her to come home. When she got home, they had a fight.. my oLder sister, my mom and our youngest.. then they started taLking about each other’s mistakes, fLaws and whatever.

 i was sLeeping that time, i woke up because they were reaLLY noisy, i have a very dramatic famiLy, you know!!?!  i was Like watching a soap opera and it makes me sick! REALLY

our youngest was bLaming our mother why she became a bad girL, because if you’re going to ask me, our youngest is reaLLy reaLLy deviLishLy mean. ahaha

then my mother was bLaming my Late father because she said that our father was reaLLy mean to her

then here comes my oLder sister, asking my mom to stop bLaming our father and stop taLking about him because he’s dead and then she bLames her..

i was watching them, because when i heard them i went straight to our kitchen to eat, i was hungry. i reaLLy hate stuffs and scenes Like this, i have too much drama in my Life and i don’t want to make a scene out of that. haha. i’m just a kind of person who doesn’t taLk much and doesn’t care especiaLLy whenever my father and my mother are throwing pLates or things to each  other (that was when my dad was stiLL aLive),

*fLashback*

whenever they do that, my oLder sister wiLL shout at them and wiLL ask them to stop, sometimes she wiLL be on our dad’s side because she’s a daddy’s girL, then our youngest wiLL keep on crying..

whiLe me?! i just mind my own business whiLe everyone is making a huge thing out of smaLL things. i just watch tv, surf the net or just do what i need to do, assignments, projects or anything. hehe

so right now, my dad is not with us anymore but there are stiLL chaos here in our home sweet hom. when i heard them bLaming each other, that’s the time that i shouted.

“ikaw ma, wag mo na nga sisihin si pa, waLa na si pa dito. wag mo na idamay! dinadamay mo pa ang waLa na!!, ikaw ate sinisisi mo c ma kung bakit ka masama sakin, ikaw bunso sinisisi mo si ma kung bakit ka naging demonyita, pwede ba waLang sisihan? waLa na Lang paki aLamanan para tapos ang usapan!! nanisi pa kayong Lahat ng ibang tao sa mga kagaguhan nyo!”

then they aLL kept quiet, my oLder sister Laughed and said whiLe smiLing, “kakatakot ka ah..” then waLked out and went to her room. hahaha. i guess, i shouted too Loud.

yeah, my oLder sister was reaLLy mean to me, i aLways ask myseLf what have i done to her to treat me Like a trash since we were a kid, and i can’t find an answer, because i didn’t do anything. she’s a year oLder yet we’re not cLose, our youngest is kinda deviLish but not onLy to me but to everyone of us. haha, haayyss..

weLL i am not teLLing that i’m an angeL but i think i just don’t care..hehe

i was thinking that time, they have a choice, each and every one of us have a choice. even if someone is mean to us we have a choice. we couLd be mean and we couLd be good, it depends on us, on how we handLe those kind of crap.

 you can be good even if everyone is bad, you can be bad even if everyone is good. you can be everything you want if you just want to so stop bLaming others.

my oLder sister was mean to me, she humiLiated me in front of peopLe in a Lot of ways, in a Lot of different occasions but i never did that to her, if ever i did that. that was onLy when we were in coLLege, she was humiLiating but it went back to her. it was karma, and i onLy shout at her whenever i feeL she’s too much and i’ve been stepped on too much. i was just fighting for myseLf but i never reaLLy did something that wouLd hurt her and humiLiate her in front of other peopLe.

i never fight back to anyone. because for me, i just don’t care just mind your own business, humiLiate me? sLap me? kick me? tease me? i don’t care. i’LL just fight if i think it’s too much.

when my mom sLapped my oLder sister, she sLapped her back.

i never did that.

so we reaLLy have a choice, stop bLaming other for being mean and miserabLe. we have a choice.

it was your choice to be mean. it was your choice to be bad. it was your choice to act Like a freak.

i had a choice, but never did i choose the other side.