Heart of Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

My wish did not come true. My only wish this christmas is to do some volunteer work by giving gifts to street children or do any volunteer work for children. I guess I was too busy thinking about stuffs that I should not think or let’s say, worthless stuff! haha

Oh well, I still have a lot of time and I know sooner or later it will happen. It’s not like it only happens every christmas! There’s always a cause and there’s a lot of non-profit organization that are helping children!

I really don’t know the meaning of christmas. I know that it’s jesus’ bday but I don’t know. I never had a memorable christmas or a happy christmas as far as I remember. Since I started college, we never really had a family bonding and that’s why christmas is the most ordinary day for me since then, since I stopped receiving gifts and since my family stopped eating together every christmas.

I don’t want to stay at home every christmas, it makes me feel lonely. I’mhappy because i give gifts to my nephews/nieces/godchildren and everyone is happy but after that gift giving and seeing those children’s happy faces, there’s always this emptiness/loneliness inside me. Christmas is just for children and happy family but i don’t think it’s for me.

Every christmas season, let’s say every dec23-jan2, those whole 2 weeks, I don’t want to stay at home. 4 yrs ago, I spent my christmas day at my college friend’s house. After a year, I spent my christmas at home because my dad was sick and so we did not celebrate christmas. 2 yrs ago although I spent my Christmas Day at home, but after that I was in Baguio, spending time with my friends. A year ago, I was at my ex’s house and then went to my former officemate’s house. Now, I’m here at home again with nothing, just my mom txting and me in front of my pc.

Life, sometimes is kinda boring but I just have to deal with it. If christmas is not for me then so be it. The Heart of Christmas is not about me, after all, Christmas is for everyone especially for children. It is spreading love!

I just hope to spend my next christmas, helping children!

Merry Christmas Again, Everyone!

a LittLe of seLf-worth

As this year ends, I want everything to be right. I want to leave everything behind. 

it’s hard talking about my feelings with anyone, im glad that i have these blogs that I can trust. Blogs will never betray you.

Right now, I’m a little confused. I hate this feeling, feeling of being used.

I just want to bring back my worth. SELF-WORTH and SELF RESPECT. I have lost both of it so i’m reviving myself. One thing, people don’t know about me is, I’m too emotional behind this happy face and happy atmosphere that I show. I am too weak and too emotional.

 I can’t even face small problems. Instead of facing the problems and thinking for solutions, I run away!

 Instead of thinking about it, I forget about it, although it’s kind of positive but sometimes I forget it too much that I stop caring about the current situation and about other people.

 It’s hard. I have no one to talk to. DARN. haha. I can’t open up my situation to anyone. DARN DARN DARN

I want something different

 I want to do some volunteer works. Everyday, I want to do something different. I want to go and look for some street children treat them to some fastfood and look at them, take a picture of their smiles and be happy but why can’t i do it. Am i just too busy? Do i have no opportunity to do it? Am i afraid to do it? Or is it simply, I don’t know where, when and how to start and I don’t have the courage to start.

 I want something different. Something not everyone could do. Something not everyone could think of.

 I want to be some NOBODY who’s DOING SOMETHING, not SOMEBODY who’s DOING NOTHING. I want to make something out of my life. I want to be different. I want to feel the freedom. I want to feel the air, I wanna fly. haha. I’m getting carried away.

 I WANT!!!!!! ~~~~

I’ll conquer. :)

I have decided to focus on my career first and stop thinking abot some nonsense. hahha, I might be falling in love again or maybe I’m starting to like him real bad but I have to endure the pain and this feeling. I have to endure or maybe just stop it. I have to conquer my fear of getting hurt and conquer the fear of being lonely if he’s gone. I have to endure and conquer.

I should ignore this feelings within me that’s continuously growing. The feeling of making me hurt and making me jealous and a lot more. I have to conquer everything and my dreams…

I will conquer everything! hihihi ( don’t know why but i keep on thinking of takamura. wahaha. I’m seeing his spirit and it’s like we’re both in the same shoes.. CONQUER! )

Buried

 I’m asking my self right now, why i don’t miss him. I tried to reminisce hoping to get back the feelings i used to have but nothing happened. Somehow i forgot the feeling, the feeling of being with him, the feeling of being with my ex. I have forgotten it. I h.ave forgotten everything. I don’t even remember being happy and laughing sohard when we were still together the only thing I remember was when we were still in college, that was during our internship. It was actually our last day of internship and we laughed so hard we almost ran out of air.

Now, my memories are gone and the feelings? It’s like everything has been buried.

I don’t remember anything. I have forgotten what we used to have and w.hat we used to be. Somehow, I’m sad! I didn’t know that it would be easy for me to forget everything.

It’s all been buried and I feel like I need to learn again from the start. It’s like I have lived again and I am a toddler that needs guidance because I have forgotten everything I know and I’m going to start my life now.

:)