clueless

Have you experienced being clueless? Where you don’t know your status with someone and all you know is that you do a lot of things that normal friends would not do? You don’t want to call it friends with benefits because it doesn’t feel right for you and it sounds cheap. But it seems like that’s how it is and yet you know you have this “special feelings” for that someone. You like that person and you can’t just say it because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of losing him, fear of a lot of things. There are times that your heart wants to say I Love you but you can’t because he might think that you’re joking and that it’s not real. Sometimes you want to ask what I am to you but you just can’t, because of again, FEAR!

You have a lot of fear in you eventhough inside you know it’s so real and you really like him. You even want to spend your life with him but you know it’s not just possible. You like him and you want to shout but you’re afraid. So many fears, so many pain. This is the question that I’ve been longing to ask for more than a year now.

What am I to you?

I don’t know what you feel. We’ve done a lot of things together but I am still clueless I don’t want to sound like a girlfriend to you because I know I am not so I’ve been holding on with my suppressed feelings. I have tried a million times to stay away from you but I always fail. Sometimes I get jealous and get mad but it’s not because of you, it’s because of me. Because I know I don’t have the right and I know you don’t care and I get mad because I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to get jealous because I don’t want to get hurt but it hurts already. It’s creepy. It’s sad. It’s lonely.

I didn’t have the courage to tell you this personally. I know I should have told you this a long time ago. It maybe too late and I also think I don’t have the right to tell you this anymore but….

 I Like you and I don’t know what I am to you!

T__T

 and i kno it’s not just LIKE. (i think I’m inlove with you )

independence

I started living on my own since 2009 and it was fun. I feel free and I feel like I own everything, my life, my time as in everything. I can do whatever I want, I can go anywhere and anytime I want. Unfortunately, because of some undesirable circumstances I had to go back to my real home, where my family is. I started living with them again for almost 2months now but I never felt as independent as I am right now. I’ve never felt so…alone. I think that’s what “independence” mean. To do everything on your own and feel alone. ^_^ haha

 I got to talk to a lot of strangers. I got to ask for directions and strangers were able to approach me. Today, I felt different, maybe because it was afternoon and I work at night so usually, afternoon is my sleeping time. I was able to go to some place that I consider “unsafe”. I was able to see how people work in the afternoon, going to school, going home, students chatting and having a good laugh. I felt more alive. I want to do it again. I want to feel alone again so I could feel that I’m alive.

 Seeing different people, different faces, different expressions with different actions and reactions. I was able to observe a lot of things. At 5pm, people are rushing to go home, is that the reason why it’s called “rush hour”? Why do they need to rush? Are they rushing to watch their favorite telenovela? news? cook food for their children? emergency? or they want to rush just because they hate traffic? Well, whatever it is I hope it’s something worth rushing for.  ^__^

I want to be more Independent!!