a smiling heart

I’m ok now, I’m a bit happy. I’ve learned a lot of things since I bought a book and got a tattoo. I realized that, maturity, self-realization and a lot more that concerns my attitude are the reasons why I’m happy, so it’s not really or just doing what I love or loving what I do, it’s more of a growth that I’m seeking. Emotional and spiritual growth that is.

I’ve been hurt a lot of times and on those times that I’m in pain, I forget what other people feel and think because when you’re in such a high emotions, like anger, sadness, pain, etc you tend to ignore other people’s feelings because you’re just concern on what you perceived and what you have felt on that time of day. 

So after having a good conversation with a former colleague andd also a friend, I’ve experienced a “quiet” time of my life or what you call, realization. I did a lot of terrible things before, because I was in such a “negative” feelings so I gathered all my thoughts and think about everything that I have done and finally made some status to post.

Sometimes when you’re hurt, you do things (unconsciously) that makes it hurt more and that is, by hurting others as well. Adding sins to your pain, will just make you suffer more. Pay it forward is good, but NOT if it’s a “negative thing”. So if you’re hurt, face it, embrace it, accept it and do not pass it on. SMILE my friend

After that, I said sorry to those people that I have hurt. I send them a message and I felt soooo good. I felt happy, I felt light and I just realized that I was able to face, again, one of my fears and that is confrontation, although it’s not in person but at least I’ve faced them. I can say it’s both emotional and spiritual growth that’s why I’m happy.

I don’t like reading but since I wanted change and since I want to bring back the SMILE that I have lost. I bought a book and since then, everything just changed, like my mind is so overwhelmed with positive attitude. I also, (spontaneously) decided to get a tattoo with a word SMILE. (^__^) so that I would never forget it everytime I’m down.

Now, although my life isn’t perfect and my feelings is hurting, I could say that I have regained my smile. I now have again…

A SMILING HEART! 

(^__^)

 PS: I’m really glad that I talked to my former officemate!

smile ^_^

I want to bring back my smile and the shine that I used to have. I’ve been sick for almost a month. Going back and forth to the hospital, having these lab tests, check up and medicines seems endless. I only have myself since I was a child. Whenever I have problems, whenever I’m sick. I always keep everything to myself there are only few times that I really said openly to my mom that I’m sick and aside from that I’ve never really been open to anyone. I guess, I’m just used to being alone because since I was a kid I know that I can only trust no one but myself and there’s only one person that can make me happy, and that is ME.

I don’t want to think about all of these sickness anymore. I don’t want to be stressed going to different doctors and thinking about how much money should I spend on my medicines. I don’t want to think of how much time I still have left or if I’m going to die as early as now. I don’t want to trouble myself with all this stuff anymore. I don’t want to think of my problems. I just want to bring back my smile and be happy. I want to smile and bring smile to other people as well. I want to go to somewhere far and be a volunteer worker but I don’t have the courage to do so. I want to live and continue living.

God, please let me SMILE ^_^

clueless

Have you experienced being clueless? Where you don’t know your status with someone and all you know is that you do a lot of things that normal friends would not do? You don’t want to call it friends with benefits because it doesn’t feel right for you and it sounds cheap. But it seems like that’s how it is and yet you know you have this “special feelings” for that someone. You like that person and you can’t just say it because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of losing him, fear of a lot of things. There are times that your heart wants to say I Love you but you can’t because he might think that you’re joking and that it’s not real. Sometimes you want to ask what I am to you but you just can’t, because of again, FEAR!

You have a lot of fear in you eventhough inside you know it’s so real and you really like him. You even want to spend your life with him but you know it’s not just possible. You like him and you want to shout but you’re afraid. So many fears, so many pain. This is the question that I’ve been longing to ask for more than a year now.

What am I to you?

I don’t know what you feel. We’ve done a lot of things together but I am still clueless I don’t want to sound like a girlfriend to you because I know I am not so I’ve been holding on with my suppressed feelings. I have tried a million times to stay away from you but I always fail. Sometimes I get jealous and get mad but it’s not because of you, it’s because of me. Because I know I don’t have the right and I know you don’t care and I get mad because I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to get jealous because I don’t want to get hurt but it hurts already. It’s creepy. It’s sad. It’s lonely.

I didn’t have the courage to tell you this personally. I know I should have told you this a long time ago. It maybe too late and I also think I don’t have the right to tell you this anymore but….

 I Like you and I don’t know what I am to you!

T__T

 and i kno it’s not just LIKE. (i think I’m inlove with you )

independence

I started living on my own since 2009 and it was fun. I feel free and I feel like I own everything, my life, my time as in everything. I can do whatever I want, I can go anywhere and anytime I want. Unfortunately, because of some undesirable circumstances I had to go back to my real home, where my family is. I started living with them again for almost 2months now but I never felt as independent as I am right now. I’ve never felt so…alone. I think that’s what “independence” mean. To do everything on your own and feel alone. ^_^ haha

 I got to talk to a lot of strangers. I got to ask for directions and strangers were able to approach me. Today, I felt different, maybe because it was afternoon and I work at night so usually, afternoon is my sleeping time. I was able to go to some place that I consider “unsafe”. I was able to see how people work in the afternoon, going to school, going home, students chatting and having a good laugh. I felt more alive. I want to do it again. I want to feel alone again so I could feel that I’m alive.

 Seeing different people, different faces, different expressions with different actions and reactions. I was able to observe a lot of things. At 5pm, people are rushing to go home, is that the reason why it’s called “rush hour”? Why do they need to rush? Are they rushing to watch their favorite telenovela? news? cook food for their children? emergency? or they want to rush just because they hate traffic? Well, whatever it is I hope it’s something worth rushing for.  ^__^

I want to be more Independent!!

BIASED. a cheater’s confession

After having such a sinful experience. After I have done things beyond my imagination and after I created a world full of sorrows and lies, I have come to realize that in this world, there is NO REAL JUSTICE.

 Because, people are EMOTIONALLY BIASED.

 We hate unfair treatment and injustice but you, yourself, without realizing it. YOU are emotionally, biased. Well, maybe not everyone but most of the people.

 I used to have friends who have boyfrriends/girlfriends and their bf/gf have someone else, have what they call, “third parties” while some of my friends are someone’s mistress. I, personally, hate cheaters. I’ve been cheated a lot of times and i hate the feeling of being cheated. IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!

I don’t understand cheaters, I don’t like them. Why would they cheat? What’s the reason behind those cheating? I totally don’t get it. I was hoping for a world full of RIGHT, TRUTHFULLNESS, FAITHFULLNESS, LOYALTY and HONESTY. I always want justice. I always want the truth. I always believe in the word “FAIR”.

Whenever I get hurt, I think to myself “hindi ba nila alam kung gano kasakit ang masaktan at kung gano kasakit ang maloko?”

I was my own ROLE MODEL, believe it or not and it may sound funny or self-centered or”feeling” but I know that I’ve never hurt anyone and when I die, I can talk to GOD and say, “I have never step on someone and never hurt anyone or fool anybody..”

Not until, I become one. One of those people who experienced having a third party. Not until I became, A CHEATER.

I am a HATER of CHEATERS that turned into a CHEATER, a bitch , a flirt?, a sinner? whatever words i call those cheaters, it came all back to me. I never wanted to cheat. It didn’t even cross my mind but I never thought that I would be able to learn a lot of things from all of these.

I learned that no matter how much you love a person there will come a time that you’ll feel unloved and neglected and those feelings will suddenlt eat you and will make you feel tired. You will start to look for something or for someone that will give you the attention, affection and the love that you’ve been searching for. You will become thirsty of everything and once you have found that person everything will fall apart. You’ll have hope and feel happy because for once you met someone who would be more willing to spend his time with you and without even realizing that you’re already cheating because you just learned that you are now happier with that person. It will break your heart at first but when the time comes that you have to choose you know that you no longer love that person you’ve been with for a long time and because someone else is already giving you that happiness.

These feelings make you feel happy and perfect and everything seems right, but the problem is sometimes the things that are right for you are wrong for someone else and that’s the hardest thing. You’ll never feel completely happy because you’ve hurt someone and those times that you felt you were the happiest were the loneliest for someone else. T_T

So why do people cheat? Why is it so easy for some people to play with other people’s feelings?

Maybe, just maybe some are plain pigs who just want to play around but maybe some are just inlove with love, waiting to be appreciated, waiting to feel loved because they just happen to fall inlove with people who do not know how to prioritize and who are afraid to show how they feel. Maybe because they are unhappy and want to experience a little happiness even if it will cost a lot of hurt and betrayals. 

I know I have to apologize. I apologize for not being good enough or honest enough. I apologize for being biased.

I apologize for being unhappy with our relationship. I apologize for feeling that you don’t love me enough. I apologize for loving you so much and because of so much love that I feel for you, I felt that I love you more than you love me. I apologize for my conditional love. I apologize for not being understanding. I apologize for nagging and demanding. I apologize for finding someone whom I think, takes good care of me more than you do. And I apologize for being happy with someone else while hurting you. I apologize for liking someone else while still having a relationship with you. And now, I apologize for leaving you.

:(

But, we’re both happy now..living our separate lives and single..

Thanks!!

:)